Satire
High School Seniors are Literally Babies
By Kayley Mount
(496 words)
Developmental psychologists have long known of the disease known as "senioritis", an extreme feeling of apathy and exhaustion that targets high school seniors on the precipice of graduation. But what these psychologists are now noticing is that the symptoms of "senioritis" seem to be causing senior to ¨regress¨ back towards behavior commonly found in infants and toddlers. “Regression”, in psychology is defined as a defense mechanism that leads to temporary or long-term reversion of behavior and persona to earlier stages in development. For seniors, they have to deal with the stress-inducing thought of leaving home for the very first time and with the school year slowing down, they don’t want to deal with this reality. Thus, they revert back to behavior displayed in literal babies.
Upon the end of midterms their senior year, the 17 and 18 year olds suddenly require 14 hours of sleep per day at a minimum, often needing to take naps after school and skip their morning classes to sleep in. Nighttime sleep patterns can range anywhere from falling asleep at 8pm to not sleeping at all, as often seen in infants. Seniors are suddenly incapable of handling any type of responsibility upon their second semester. The idea of a minor assignment sends the entire class into disarray. They have forgotten how to write basic five paragraph essays, no longer know how to read textbooks, and scoff at the idea of doing a project. Homework is put off until the very last minute, if it is even done at all. Sometimes even showing up to class to watch a movie is too much effort. Their attention spans and capacity for intaking new information has reverted to that of a preschooler’s.They are literally helpless.
Students have also reverted back to the picky eating habits they had as children. Diets consist of bagels, pizza, and chicken nuggets, nearly exclusively. “I haven’t eaten a vegetable since first semester,” an anonymous senior confessed. Instead of a dependence on milk to survive, it has transferred into students requiring some variation of coffee to get through the day.
Beginning in May of senior year, the students engage in a grade-wide water fight known as “Senior Assassins”. It is taken very seriously, in fact, more seriously than any work that these seniors should be doing instead. They travel everywhere with a water gun in tow. Because the students have little else they want to focus on, this water fight takes up a lot of their attention. It provides a good distraction, but also causes these students to behave like nine year olds at a block party.
Upon the end of midterms their senior year, the 17 and 18 year olds suddenly require 14 hours of sleep per day at a minimum, often needing to take naps after school and skip their morning classes to sleep in. Nighttime sleep patterns can range anywhere from falling asleep at 8pm to not sleeping at all, as often seen in infants. Seniors are suddenly incapable of handling any type of responsibility upon their second semester. The idea of a minor assignment sends the entire class into disarray. They have forgotten how to write basic five paragraph essays, no longer know how to read textbooks, and scoff at the idea of doing a project. Homework is put off until the very last minute, if it is even done at all. Sometimes even showing up to class to watch a movie is too much effort. Their attention spans and capacity for intaking new information has reverted to that of a preschooler’s.They are literally helpless.
Students have also reverted back to the picky eating habits they had as children. Diets consist of bagels, pizza, and chicken nuggets, nearly exclusively. “I haven’t eaten a vegetable since first semester,” an anonymous senior confessed. Instead of a dependence on milk to survive, it has transferred into students requiring some variation of coffee to get through the day.
Beginning in May of senior year, the students engage in a grade-wide water fight known as “Senior Assassins”. It is taken very seriously, in fact, more seriously than any work that these seniors should be doing instead. They travel everywhere with a water gun in tow. Because the students have little else they want to focus on, this water fight takes up a lot of their attention. It provides a good distraction, but also causes these students to behave like nine year olds at a block party.
High school seniors are legally considered adults, however their “senioritis” causes them to regress towards behavior seen in young children. Is this a healthy behavior? Probably not. Is it understandable? Sure. These students are about to face a lot of changes in their life, it only makes sense that they would want to savor their childhood for as long as they can.
Photo courtesy of Metro Parent for Southeast Michigan Daily
Made In the 80s, Hot Right Now
By: Grace Hut
(250 words)
Made In the 80s, Hot Right Now
By: Grace Hut
(250 words)
